Guest Speaker: The Cat!

Hello everyone.  I am the cat.  Yes.  The cat.  The cat who has incredible skill, is litter-ate in 16 languages, and apparently can blog.  Today, I will be writing:


How To Train Your Dragon Human

Yes this is a very important topic, and quite a serious one.  You can get hurt attempting this process.  Humans are very stubborn, reckless, dangerous, and wild creatures.  In the first of my 9 lives, I spent probably three lives trying to tame my first human.  As it turned out, he wasn’t a cat person!  Can you believe that?  And what’s more ridiculous was when his wife said, “Either the cat goes, or I go!”  my first human threw me out the door!  So I spent my fourth life as an alley cat who wrecked dog owner’s yards, and lived out my days jumping through the window of my first person’s lair when he left for work.  I then proceeded to destroy expensive lamps and help myself to the cupboards until the pathetic cubicle gnome came home.  Yes, them were the good ol’ days…  But now, with all reminiscing aside, I will go through the process of training a human.

Step one: Find a human.  To find a human, you must first go to its natural habitat (Starbucks is a preferred oasis).  These can vary in climates and with specific types.  I have a quick list of different breeds, types, and locations to find a desired species.

1 The old cat lady- By far, the easiest to master and find.  They practically will find you!  Just locate any home with a senior and other cats.  Scratch a hole in the screen door and make yourself at home.  Don’t worry, she won’t mind.  However, make sure it is an old cat lady who owns the house, and not a “sour old grandma lives in a small apartment with her college drop-out granddaughter” situation.  In which case, watch out for the broom, a force to be reckoned with.

2 The six year old girl- Loud but loving.  If you don’t mind getting paint and bubble gum in you hair, this is a purr-fect match.  If you want to get one of these, hang out around kindergartens and Toys ‘R’ Us.  “Mommy I want one!”  will change to, “Can we keep him???”  in less than a second.

3 Teenager- Honestly, you need to be incredibly cute, find a born cat lover, or really impress the parents (To satisfy, I recommend catching a burglar or dragging a child out of a burning building.  All you need are some matches for the latter.)  To find one of these, you probably ought to just sit on a the human’s porch or hang out at a high school at the right time.

Step two: Get owned.  As degrading as it is, it is totally necessary.

Step three: Gain trust.

Step four: Betray trust.

Step five: Repeat steps three and four.

Step six: Teach your human’s first trick.  The best one I know of for beginners, is holding their breath.  It is fairly simple.  You will find a small box in the far regions of the human’s nest.  It’s usually in a confined room that nobody actually goes into.  This is your first training tool.  Simply make the box as filthy and disgusting as possible-you know what to do… Within two days, the human will notice the smell.  After that, they will start to hold their breath, just for a second at first, and eventually, rather than facing responsibility, your person will learn to hold their breath for minutes at a time!

If you would like to learn more tricks for your new side-kick and pet, watch for more amazing posts by: The Cat.

One comment on “Guest Speaker: The Cat!

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