How To Throw A Pie

Food Fights, the most exhilarating, messy, game you can enjoy in a cafeteria.

But, picture this….

There you are, simply enjoying the last of your cold pizza slice, when it happens.  A chicken wing soars past your head and a glob of mashed potatoes smacks you on the back, and splatters onto the cheeks of the guy sitting next to you.  You cram the last of your pizza in your mouth as somebody on the other side of the room screams at the top of their lungs, “Food Fight!!!”.  It’s all down hill from here.  Somebody flips a table to form a barricade and around 14 guys dash to hide behind it.  Grabbing your lunch box and rounding a corner, you take an inventory check.  All that’s left is a little dessert.  Three individually wrapped pies:  apple, blueberry, and -oh my, a key lime.  Right now, all you wish is that you brought your laptop, so you could read this tutorial… How To Throw A Pie.

  • Apple Grenade-  Just lob it in the air, and let the fruit chunks fall wherever they may.  Bonus Points:  For hitting any bully square on the top of the head.
  • Key Lime Land Mine-  A strategically placed pie, set on the floor where somebody is likely to step on it.  The high sugar content makes it the equivalent of getting a bucket stuck on your foot.  If desired, a small fire cracker can be placed in the center for a lovely splash effect (not okay in school).
  • Captain America-  Not really a pie, but the pie tin, thrown like a Frisbee.  Extra:  If pie is still in the tin, put your best spin on it, and try to hit the ceiling.  If it doesn’t stick up there, it should come raining down in a hailstorm.  Or kind of like Fourth Of July fireworks… Very Captain America don’t you think?
  • Banana Cream Classic-  Slap it, splat it, smack it, smush it, smash it.  Invented and developed by the U.C.A. (United Clown Association)
  • Blueberry Bazooka-  “Take dat pie, an’ chuck it hard as yo can!!!” –Jerry Ritz,  A field trip in 2007

Bonus Feature:  Elf throwing

 Imagine This…  The food fight has started, and you bolt for cover.  Seeing opportunity, you pounce and duck into the school restroom.  Flipping open your lunch box, you check for your remaining ammo.  You are horrified to see that your precious weapons are gone…  Staring back at you, quite horrified himself, is a little elf, fairy, or leprechaun.  As you know, elves, fairies, and leprechauns, all have major sweet tooth’s.  You can see the guilt (and crumbs…) on his face.  Right about now you wish you had kept reading How To Throw A Pie, and took a glance at this tutorial:            How To Throw A Mythical Creature

Okay, so as it turns out, throwing another country’s culture is highly illegal in 49 of 50 states.  Chucking critters of lore is only alright in Alaska.  Russia is cool with it too.  But, because a lot of Americans don’t live in those places, I found a couple alternatives.

  1. Leprechaun-  Leprechauns love to negotiate, so demand his pot of gold, and a gift card to the Tootie Pie Factory.  And if you’re Really Angry about those pies, you might take his favorite box of cereal, and sling Lucky Charms into the mob of food fighters.
  2. Fairy-  Fairies have incredible magical powers, and can probably do some amazing stuff in a food fight.  Like Smurfs, they live in mushrooms, which even though nobody should ever eat them, are conveniently a food;  So throw her fungus house too.
  3. Elf-  Elves are pretty much in a ditch in this situation.  They have no food to provide, can’t deliver you toys (that’s Santa’s Job!) and by personal experience, make incredible projectiles.  Sadly, you’re stuck in a food fight, not an elf fight.  So he’s useless, and you have no ammo.

Also, have a look at my favorite ammunition store:

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