Cruel And Inhumane Packaging Skills

I recently went to a birthday party I was invited to by a close friend.  Shocking isn’t it?  Me invited to a party!!!  Because I am well known to have absolutely NO TALENT in the fine and prestigious art of gift wrapping, I decided to get my friend a very nice yet small and light weight present and wrap it up in a humorous way.

 Cruel And Inhumane Packaging Skills
And
How To Terribly Wrap A Gift

Outcome:  Your friend (or possibly enemy) reads a curious inscription on the package’s side and begins to unwrap your gift to him/her to find a tightly taped shut box.  After struggling for a nice long five minutes, he opens the now non-reusable box, he finds a note saying: “Happy birthday, I got you a shoebox crammed full of news paper.”  He/She thinks, “Aww, crap.”  But then for no apparent reason, continues to dig through the crumpled up articles which have been messily duct taped to the inside of the box, opening empty decoys, and doing their best not to spill confetti everywhere.  It appears that they reach the bottom of the box, still without finding any gift.  After reading a lame and pathetic pun taped to the false bottom they discover that they can still dig deeper.  They come finally to the gift, which is wrapped with a ton of even more duct tape and yet more newspaper.  You and everyone else begin to laugh as the party’s host/hostess begins to chase you furiously.

  1. First, you will need a small, very nice gift.  I chose a good knife just so I could use this cruddy pun:  “At this point, you probably wished you had a knife to unwrap this thing…”  Just choose something that can fit in the bottom of a shoe box.  Take 10-100 sheets of newspaper and a ton of duct tape and engulf the gift in it.
  2. Next, get a shoe box.  The reason this should happen next is so that you find a box that perfectly fits your needs.  I liked using a sandal box with very strong walls.
  3. After this, you need yet another box (or lid) for a false bottom.  Take your first shoe box and a marker, and trace around the box onto what will become the false bottom.  Cut it out and place it on top of your gift in the bottom of the box.
  4. Time to channel your inner mischief maker.  Take an absurd amount of even more newspaper and crumple it up and add duct tape it on every point possible until the interior of your box becomes one giant glob of newspaper and tape.  If you choose to, have this as consolidation;  Sprinkling confetti into this does not make you an evil sociopath, just a German comedian.
  5. This part is one of the funniest details, make a decoy gift by taking a rock, stick, or crumpled up news paper and wrap it with gift wrap, or more news paper.  Place this sticking slightly out of the wad of news paper you just made.
  6. Take one whole sheet of news paper and spread it over the entire mouth of the box and tape it tight like a drum.  If you want a higher grade of annoying, use duct tape instead of paper.
  7. Close the box and tape it shut as many times as you see fit over the ridge and lengthways.
  8. Take the finest gift paper you can find and wrap the package as nicely as you know how.
  9. Laugh as your friend/enemy receives their “Gift”.

Finally, if you want to make this any worse, you could add an empty form card combined with a glitter bomb.

I gave my friend a knife, but in hindsight, I believe ticking somebody off and then giving them a weapon was a terrible idea…

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